Contrary to popular belief, most single people do not spend Valentine’s Day hunched, Gollum-like, in a duvet, inhaling Dairy Milk, surrounded by a pile of tissues watching Bridget Jones Is Sleepless In The Notebook and listening to Radiohead’s Creep.
However, even if you love being single 364 days a year there’s something irritating about a day dedicated to l’amore, especially if you make the mistake of checking social media where you will undoubtedly find couples having a 24-hour humblebragathon to determine who got the biggest bling/surprise holiday/shag.
But this is not the day to get bitter, and start sending anonymous emails about who you’ve heard their ‘bestest boyfriend ever’ is screwing around with, or for accidentally-on-purpose setting the fire alarms off in fancy restaurants.
No. Save that for the wedding season. And, for God’s sake, don’t go to a singles night. Trying to find love on Valentine’s Day is like wearing a slogan T-shirt reading ‘sad and alone’. This year, why not try one of these?
1. Retreat to a spa
You can take some rocks and a flower stolen from a hotel reception too for added spa-iness.
Gather your single friends. Find a spa break you can all afford, even if that means just using someone’s gym membership guest passes. Fill water bottles with mojitos. And relax…
2. Be totally disgusting
As a general rule, those in a relationship spend Vday doing dreadful, painful things like waxing, wearing beautiful but too-tight clothes and pretending they have no bodily functions. Well not you. I’m not saying you should spend an entire evening in a onesie eating Marmite straight from the jar while plaiting your body hair and burping the theme tune to Doctor Who. But you could.
3. Send yourself flowers or buy yourself something great
Have you never seen Clueless? Besides, as a single person, you probably have more money to spend on stuff you want as opposed to scatter cushions/video games centred around senseless, violent death.
MORE: 10 of the best anti-Valentine’s Day gifts for the single or cynical
4. Go halves on dinner with a platonic friend, preferably of the opposite sex
Spend dinner armed with home-made scorecards, studying the couples at surrounding tables and rating their attractiveness, compatibility and chances of longevity based on their body language. You can also turn this into a drinking game.
5. Naff all
Do nothing on Valentine’s Day 2017
Like All Souls’ Day to an atheist, February 14 is just another day on the calendar. It’s just some random Tuesday – so stick to whatever going out/staying in/macrame-making plans you already had until this article alerted you to the fact one day made any difference.
Happy Valentine’s Day!